ARGUING
Contrary to what you might think, arguing is an easy thing to fix. Although there may be times when a parent/child argument is a true spirited debate about a controversial topic, arguing is generally about power and control. It’s about you wanting one thing and your child wanting something else.
Most children will attempt to argue with parents because it puts them on the same level. They feel equal to their parent when they argue. If you have teenagers you know that, often, they will argue just to argue. This is because of the empowering feeling it provides.
When in trouble, teenagers often argue in order to divert the topic away from them. Arguing gives them an opportunity to make the discussion about how the parent treats them or how the parent acts or does not act instead of their own misbehavior.
Since the real issue is about power and control, then the argument is much like a tug-o-war between parent and child. An effective parent doesn’t concern themselves with issues of power and control because they know it always resides with them. So, they respond to their child’s attempts to argue with short neutral statements.
When a child says, “You don’t love me,” or “That’s not fair,” or “You’re the meanest parent,” the parent should simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Repeat it as often as necessary.
When a child makes a statement like, “doing drugs is not so bad,” respond with, “Wow! That’s an interesting perspective” or turn it into a real discussion by asking, “Why do you say that?” or “Are you thinking about doing drugs?”
Remember that it takes two to argue. When a child is determined to engage you simply say with a smile, “Nice try, but I don’t argue.”
Believe it or not, in the end, they really want you to be in charge. It is important that they see you as a solid rock that they can depend on when their world gets a little shaky. Arguing with your child weakens that position and both you and your child lose.
©2010 raise a kid R.I.G.H.T
Most children will attempt to argue with parents because it puts them on the same level. They feel equal to their parent when they argue. If you have teenagers you know that, often, they will argue just to argue. This is because of the empowering feeling it provides.
When in trouble, teenagers often argue in order to divert the topic away from them. Arguing gives them an opportunity to make the discussion about how the parent treats them or how the parent acts or does not act instead of their own misbehavior.
Since the real issue is about power and control, then the argument is much like a tug-o-war between parent and child. An effective parent doesn’t concern themselves with issues of power and control because they know it always resides with them. So, they respond to their child’s attempts to argue with short neutral statements.
When a child says, “You don’t love me,” or “That’s not fair,” or “You’re the meanest parent,” the parent should simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Repeat it as often as necessary.
When a child makes a statement like, “doing drugs is not so bad,” respond with, “Wow! That’s an interesting perspective” or turn it into a real discussion by asking, “Why do you say that?” or “Are you thinking about doing drugs?”
Remember that it takes two to argue. When a child is determined to engage you simply say with a smile, “Nice try, but I don’t argue.”
Believe it or not, in the end, they really want you to be in charge. It is important that they see you as a solid rock that they can depend on when their world gets a little shaky. Arguing with your child weakens that position and both you and your child lose.
©2010 raise a kid R.I.G.H.T