BULLYING
Most of us can remember being bullied at some point in our lives. Interestingly, even after years have passed, the memory continues to be embarrassing and humiliating. The profound effect of being bullied can have results that range from damaged self-esteem to suicide.
Of course, bullies have been around forever and bullying can take a variety of forms. Boys tend to be more physical, where as girls bully by social exclusion – saying, “You can’t play with us” or spreading rumors. As hard as we may try, our efforts to establish a “bully-free" world will never be successful. Expecting that the school can protect your child from ever being bullied is unreasonable. What IS reasonable, however, is to expect the school to be on constant watch and take immediate action when dealing with bullying.
In the past, we thought the reason that children bully others was due to low self-esteem. That low concept was generally attributed to harsh and insensitive parenting. Today, we know that it’s not that simple. Although the old explanation may still be true in many cases, many bullies do not suffer from poor self-esteem. In fact, we have learned that often times they possess a high self-concept.
The best way to explain bullying today centers around the concept of power. All humans strive for a sense of power in their lives. Most of us develop a healthy concept of power and understand that it is inappropriate to use it to control or manipulate others.
Beginning around age 2, children begin to explore this concept of power. “How much power do I have?” and “How can I exert my power?” are questions the young brain wants to know. Children constantly experiment with exerting their power with different people and in different situations. It is the parent’s job to teach what is appropriate and what is not.
We all can understand that in the small world of a child, exerting power feels good. Therefore, children who attempt to have power over others by bullying them do so because of the feeling of power that it brings. This would be true whether the child has low or high self esteem. The key to dealing with bullies, then, is to teach them other more appropriate ways to feel powerful.
Often, I have solved a bullying problem by placing the bully in some sort of leadership role that requires a special responsibility. For instance, asking a kindergarten bully to be the “bully police” for the class – it is their job to report to the teacher when they see someone being mistreated - is often very effective.
It is equally important to understand how to help our children not be a victim of a bully. Bullies target specific people for a reason – because they react with weakness – pouting, crying, even anger. This feeds the sense of power the bully seeks. This doesn’t mean that the victim should react with aggression. A better way would be to ignore the behavior or react with humor. The point is for your child to let the bully know that they have no power over them or their emotions.
©2010 raise a kid R.I.G.H.T.
Of course, bullies have been around forever and bullying can take a variety of forms. Boys tend to be more physical, where as girls bully by social exclusion – saying, “You can’t play with us” or spreading rumors. As hard as we may try, our efforts to establish a “bully-free" world will never be successful. Expecting that the school can protect your child from ever being bullied is unreasonable. What IS reasonable, however, is to expect the school to be on constant watch and take immediate action when dealing with bullying.
In the past, we thought the reason that children bully others was due to low self-esteem. That low concept was generally attributed to harsh and insensitive parenting. Today, we know that it’s not that simple. Although the old explanation may still be true in many cases, many bullies do not suffer from poor self-esteem. In fact, we have learned that often times they possess a high self-concept.
The best way to explain bullying today centers around the concept of power. All humans strive for a sense of power in their lives. Most of us develop a healthy concept of power and understand that it is inappropriate to use it to control or manipulate others.
Beginning around age 2, children begin to explore this concept of power. “How much power do I have?” and “How can I exert my power?” are questions the young brain wants to know. Children constantly experiment with exerting their power with different people and in different situations. It is the parent’s job to teach what is appropriate and what is not.
We all can understand that in the small world of a child, exerting power feels good. Therefore, children who attempt to have power over others by bullying them do so because of the feeling of power that it brings. This would be true whether the child has low or high self esteem. The key to dealing with bullies, then, is to teach them other more appropriate ways to feel powerful.
Often, I have solved a bullying problem by placing the bully in some sort of leadership role that requires a special responsibility. For instance, asking a kindergarten bully to be the “bully police” for the class – it is their job to report to the teacher when they see someone being mistreated - is often very effective.
It is equally important to understand how to help our children not be a victim of a bully. Bullies target specific people for a reason – because they react with weakness – pouting, crying, even anger. This feeds the sense of power the bully seeks. This doesn’t mean that the victim should react with aggression. A better way would be to ignore the behavior or react with humor. The point is for your child to let the bully know that they have no power over them or their emotions.
©2010 raise a kid R.I.G.H.T.