FAMILY TRAUMA
As parents, our most important job is to protect our children. It is impossible, however, to shield our children from everything that may harm them. Things happen - from skinned noses and broken bones to family deaths and broken homes. We can’t stand to see our children suffer, especially when it’s not their fault.
A common mistake that many parents make is assuming that some particular event will affect their child adversely. It is important to realize that many of life’s difficulties like divorce or a loved one’s illness or death, deal with concepts beyond a child’s understanding. Children, therefore, look to adults to gauge how serious something may or may not be. In other words, grandma’s death may not be a devastating event to a child until he sees his mom fall apart. How the parents react will generally determine how a child reacts.
Even though you don’t want to hide traumatic events from your child, parents need to be aware of the message they are sending by their behavior. An adult has the insight into events that a child does not. Most children, having no experience with death, don’t know what it means exactly. Their concerns are generally self-focused. They want to know how their life will be affected by the event. Adults understand that, as traumatic as grandma’s death may be, it does not affect the safety and security of the child. That being said, experiencing sorrow with your children, which may include crying and sharing memories, is an important component to healing.
In situations, such as divorce, that will significantly affect a child’s life, parents must work hard to not to let their emotions get out of hand in front of their children. This puts an undue amount of stress on a child, because they are not equipped to handle adult situations. Also, this will certainly make things worse for the parent who will then have to deal with their child’s emotions as well as their own.
Young children are reactive. If something is bothering them, it will become apparent. They may suddenly become clingy or irritable or they may begin to experience problems in school. Eating or sleeping habits may also change. If this occurs, parents should ask their children what’s bothering them. Always be truthful and open, but avoid being overly emotional and dramatic. Speak in terms that are age appropriate. A five year-old cannot understand cancer or depression, but they can understand sick.
Regardless of how they act, children know that they are children and need adults for security. The best thing a parent can do during difficult times is to reassure their child that their world is solid and secure even if the adult’s world is not.
If a traumatic event has occurred, it is always a good idea to let the school know. Keep in mind that for most children, school is a stable, predictable, place. Counselors, teachers, and principals deal with childhood trauma on a daily basis and they can be a great source of help.
©2010 raise a kid R.I.G.H.T.
A common mistake that many parents make is assuming that some particular event will affect their child adversely. It is important to realize that many of life’s difficulties like divorce or a loved one’s illness or death, deal with concepts beyond a child’s understanding. Children, therefore, look to adults to gauge how serious something may or may not be. In other words, grandma’s death may not be a devastating event to a child until he sees his mom fall apart. How the parents react will generally determine how a child reacts.
Even though you don’t want to hide traumatic events from your child, parents need to be aware of the message they are sending by their behavior. An adult has the insight into events that a child does not. Most children, having no experience with death, don’t know what it means exactly. Their concerns are generally self-focused. They want to know how their life will be affected by the event. Adults understand that, as traumatic as grandma’s death may be, it does not affect the safety and security of the child. That being said, experiencing sorrow with your children, which may include crying and sharing memories, is an important component to healing.
In situations, such as divorce, that will significantly affect a child’s life, parents must work hard to not to let their emotions get out of hand in front of their children. This puts an undue amount of stress on a child, because they are not equipped to handle adult situations. Also, this will certainly make things worse for the parent who will then have to deal with their child’s emotions as well as their own.
Young children are reactive. If something is bothering them, it will become apparent. They may suddenly become clingy or irritable or they may begin to experience problems in school. Eating or sleeping habits may also change. If this occurs, parents should ask their children what’s bothering them. Always be truthful and open, but avoid being overly emotional and dramatic. Speak in terms that are age appropriate. A five year-old cannot understand cancer or depression, but they can understand sick.
Regardless of how they act, children know that they are children and need adults for security. The best thing a parent can do during difficult times is to reassure their child that their world is solid and secure even if the adult’s world is not.
If a traumatic event has occurred, it is always a good idea to let the school know. Keep in mind that for most children, school is a stable, predictable, place. Counselors, teachers, and principals deal with childhood trauma on a daily basis and they can be a great source of help.
©2010 raise a kid R.I.G.H.T.