NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
Pretty much, all parenting experts agree that logical consequences are the best way to shape a child’s behavior. If a child abuses a privilege, then they lose that privilege. But, often parents become emotional and impulsively employ an arbitrary punishment such as spanking, time-out, or simply yelling that really does nothing to address the actual reason for misbehavior. When this is the case, the misbehavior is likely to continue.
Although, I believe there incidences where a controlled swat to the bottom or a brief time-out may be appropriate, particularly with toddlers, providing a consequence that is directly related to the misbehavior is much more effective. This is because it is the consequence that provides the discipline, not the parent.
This is important because it removes the middle man – you, the parent – from the loop. Let me explain, let’s say a policeman became emotional and red-faced as he yelled at you for running a stop sign. Then, he stomped his foot, told you to never do it again, and stormed back to his car. Many people would be tempted to do it again just to see his reaction! That is very different than a man or woman with a pleasant smile, calmly handing you a $100.00 ticket and telling you to have a nice day.
I know it may be hard to believe, but it is very common for children to misbehave, just to see their parents react – I’ve seen it countless times! When the parental emotion is removed, the child is left with nothing but their behavior and its consequence. When it becomes apparent that no one else is affected except them, they are more likely to change.
The parent, like the unfortunate cop, is creating more work for themselves. Their emotional reaction to the undesired behavior is likely to increase the behavior. Two things happen when you remain unemotional:
1. You don’t have to withdraw affection. You can even sympathize with your child as they endure the consequence by saying, “Oh, I hate it when you lose that privilege, I know you must feel terrible!” In other words, you’re not the bad guy, the consequence is.
2. You let your child know that they cannot push your buttons. A child that knows they can affect their parent’s emotions is on shaky ground. Every child needs to feel that their parent is strong and unshakable. Security, in a child’s world, is huge.
©Raise A Kid Right 2013
Pretty much, all parenting experts agree that logical consequences are the best way to shape a child’s behavior. If a child abuses a privilege, then they lose that privilege. But, often parents become emotional and impulsively employ an arbitrary punishment such as spanking, time-out, or simply yelling that really does nothing to address the actual reason for misbehavior. When this is the case, the misbehavior is likely to continue.
Although, I believe there incidences where a controlled swat to the bottom or a brief time-out may be appropriate, particularly with toddlers, providing a consequence that is directly related to the misbehavior is much more effective. This is because it is the consequence that provides the discipline, not the parent.
This is important because it removes the middle man – you, the parent – from the loop. Let me explain, let’s say a policeman became emotional and red-faced as he yelled at you for running a stop sign. Then, he stomped his foot, told you to never do it again, and stormed back to his car. Many people would be tempted to do it again just to see his reaction! That is very different than a man or woman with a pleasant smile, calmly handing you a $100.00 ticket and telling you to have a nice day.
I know it may be hard to believe, but it is very common for children to misbehave, just to see their parents react – I’ve seen it countless times! When the parental emotion is removed, the child is left with nothing but their behavior and its consequence. When it becomes apparent that no one else is affected except them, they are more likely to change.
The parent, like the unfortunate cop, is creating more work for themselves. Their emotional reaction to the undesired behavior is likely to increase the behavior. Two things happen when you remain unemotional:
1. You don’t have to withdraw affection. You can even sympathize with your child as they endure the consequence by saying, “Oh, I hate it when you lose that privilege, I know you must feel terrible!” In other words, you’re not the bad guy, the consequence is.
2. You let your child know that they cannot push your buttons. A child that knows they can affect their parent’s emotions is on shaky ground. Every child needs to feel that their parent is strong and unshakable. Security, in a child’s world, is huge.
©Raise A Kid Right 2013