WHERE WE WENT WRONG
Most people have heard of Dr. Spock. Not Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame, but Doctor Benjamin Spock. He published a book in 1946 called The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care. It soon became the bible of child rearing. Although a number of psychologists had previously talked about the importance of self-esteem, it was Dr. Spock that made it a household term and forever changed the way we raised our children.
Since then, as a culture, we have been so careful to plan our children’s lives to insure they we don’t damage their little self esteems. In schools, we contrive scenarios for the students that guarantee success. If the child is not capable of mastering a skill due to poor ability or simply not trying, we devise a way for them to win anyway so as to boost their self-esteem. Well, I got news for you– it doesn’t work.
One of the most significant discoveries I have made in my almost thirty years of working with kids and adults is that self esteem is not something you can give to somebody else. Nor is it something you can set up for someone else. Self-esteem is something you must earn and it doesn’t come any other way.
Years ago, a frantic mother called the school where I was a counselor. She was upset because her daughter had to take a test that required her to stand up in front of the class and recite. The mom knew that her child did not do well under pressure and wanted to protect her from embarrassment by insisting that she take the test some other way, apart from the other children. When I checked the child’s schedule I discovered that the class in question was already over. The mother was beside herself with fear for her child’s self esteem. She was literally screaming at me, “There’s no telling what she’ll do! Please go check on her!” Well, I immediately located the girl expecting to find her quivering and huddled in a corner somewhere. What I found was a huge smile and an excited spirit. Although she had been very nervous, she did great! Her self-esteem was flying high. If her mother had called an hour earlier, her daughter would have been robbed of that thrill of real accomplishment.
By protecting our children from failure we also rob them of the chance for real success; and it’s only real success that will boost their confidence and self esteem.
So what happens when they fail (and they will)? Well, that’s where you come in by providing reassurance and love– after all, you’re the parent.
Most people have heard of Dr. Spock. Not Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame, but Doctor Benjamin Spock. He published a book in 1946 called The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care. It soon became the bible of child rearing. Although a number of psychologists had previously talked about the importance of self-esteem, it was Dr. Spock that made it a household term and forever changed the way we raised our children.
Since then, as a culture, we have been so careful to plan our children’s lives to insure they we don’t damage their little self esteems. In schools, we contrive scenarios for the students that guarantee success. If the child is not capable of mastering a skill due to poor ability or simply not trying, we devise a way for them to win anyway so as to boost their self-esteem. Well, I got news for you– it doesn’t work.
One of the most significant discoveries I have made in my almost thirty years of working with kids and adults is that self esteem is not something you can give to somebody else. Nor is it something you can set up for someone else. Self-esteem is something you must earn and it doesn’t come any other way.
Years ago, a frantic mother called the school where I was a counselor. She was upset because her daughter had to take a test that required her to stand up in front of the class and recite. The mom knew that her child did not do well under pressure and wanted to protect her from embarrassment by insisting that she take the test some other way, apart from the other children. When I checked the child’s schedule I discovered that the class in question was already over. The mother was beside herself with fear for her child’s self esteem. She was literally screaming at me, “There’s no telling what she’ll do! Please go check on her!” Well, I immediately located the girl expecting to find her quivering and huddled in a corner somewhere. What I found was a huge smile and an excited spirit. Although she had been very nervous, she did great! Her self-esteem was flying high. If her mother had called an hour earlier, her daughter would have been robbed of that thrill of real accomplishment.
By protecting our children from failure we also rob them of the chance for real success; and it’s only real success that will boost their confidence and self esteem.
So what happens when they fail (and they will)? Well, that’s where you come in by providing reassurance and love– after all, you’re the parent.
